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Ant Problem

Written by xXyZaThEx on July 1, 2009
My house has a major ant problem. Luckily I reside upstairs. Nevertheless, once every 5 minutes or so an ant comes trotting along my desk. First I place a coin or another object in its path. This confuses the ant, causing it to run off in a different direction, but my finger is waiting. I block its path with my finger. It runs in the opposite direction, but I anticipate this. Soon the ant is encircled by pens and other barriers, and if it attempts to climb them, swift punishment is issued. The ant remains in my arena. Then I take my knife, and nimbly place the tip onto one of its legs, holding it in place, then I press down hard and chop the leg off. The ant does not run, it merely enters a craze moving all around wildly. I allow it to suffer like this for a minute or so, chopping off another leg if it appears not to be in pain. Then comes a decision. Sometimes I will wait for another ant, and place it in the arena to see what it does. Occasionally it will pick up its comrade, and run off, but this is an offense punishable by death. Other times, I will merely watch the ant until it gives up. It will stop moving all but one leg. At this point I give in and slice the ant in two, putting it out of its misery. I save the corpses in a small pile, and once I have a considerable stack, I scatter them in my arena. This is where the real fun begins.
I venture outside to my back yard and find a red ant. This is my gladiator. I return to my room and place him in among the corpses. He wanders, confused. I do not let him leave. I pound the desk near him with my fingers, scaring him. I toughen my gladiator up until another ant comes along. I place the intruder into the arena. The red ant will go after the black ant, and they engage in mortal combat. If the red ant wins, another corpse decorates my arena. If the black ant vanquishes his foe, he wins the prize of life. I carry him in my hands and bring him downstairs and place him among his comrades. If he put up a good fight, I give him a warriors welcome and feed his colony with bread. If he barely defeated the red ant, he receives no food, only the gift of life. This is howIi spent my afternoons.


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July 1, 2009
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June 25, 2009

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Wed Jul 01, 2009 03:53 AM +


Wed Jul 01, 2009 04:20 AM +

Wicked Sick!

Wed Jul 01, 2009 04:28 AM +

I hope you people realize I don't actually do this. I can't stand masses of ants. Luckily, my house doesn't have an ant problem.

Wed Jul 01, 2009 04:31 AM [Edited once ] +

I figured as much. What are the chances of you spending like several hours finding a red ant in your backyard, assuming you have one? You'd also need insane precision to chop off exactly one leg off the ant, which I doubt you have.

Wed Jul 01, 2009 04:35 AM +

Your words hurt.

Also, I live in a one story house. Rather large with plenty of unnecessary space one story house, but a one story house all the same.

Wed Jul 01, 2009 05:05 AM +

Damnit, now I really wanna try this out and film it :P

Wed Jul 01, 2009 05:28 AM +

Blackboy0 said: Damnit, now I really wanna try this out and film it :P

Wed Jul 01, 2009 06:41 AM [Edited 4 times ] +

You and I.
We're like brothers.
Ant killing brothers.
I get all the ants I can.
Put them in a sink.
Close the drain.
Then wait until the first ant gets to the top.
The rest dies.
Then I battle the surviving ant to the death with one hand.
If I get bored, I leave him to be outside with his comrades.
I did do evil things with ants when I was little. :3

Wed Jul 01, 2009 06:59 AM +

I used to have an ant problem. Then I went crazy with a boxcutting knife and now I don't see them anymore.

Wed Jul 01, 2009 08:18 AM +

Dang, I thought this was for real.

If I see a bunch of ants converging on a piece of food, first I take the piece of food away - The ants panic and they start to scatter. Nuh uh uh. I swiftly put a plastic clear box over them and watch them as they try to escape. Which they, of course, can't. I then poked a hole through the top, fit a stick through, and started terrorizing them with the stick, killing some. I moved the box around so that the ants have to follow it. When I finally got bored, I lifted the box and squished all of them to death with a slipper or something.

But now, I'm gonna try this arena thing. Wahahah!

I'm not kidding.

Wed Jul 01, 2009 09:08 AM +

Playing God eh?!

Wed Jul 01, 2009 04:50 PM +

I get moths, spiders, ants, all kinds of weird bugs coming into my house. So I just feed them to my hamsters. My hamster Hubert gets violent and rips them apart with his teeth, my other hamster Nibbler is too retarded. I tried to feed him a fat moth and HE LET IT GET AWAY! Damn moth flew around my room five nights before dying. (still havent found him) Couldn't sleep those nights. stupid hamster!

Thu Jul 02, 2009 05:16 AM +

You know what, I think I've had enough crazy today.

You guys beat me at borderline insanity on fifteen different levels.

Fri Jul 03, 2009 04:12 AM +

LOL dude i so thought you were forealz. i was gonna be like, its so wicked cool but at the same time horrendously horrible.

You really thought you could beat these nuts in an insanity contest?

Fri Jul 03, 2009 04:17 AM +

I had my hopes.



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