i have like a week to apply for college, first round, & I have no fucking idea what I want to do.

I am freaking out.

you can always change your major (I think)

Apply undecided then. Well, that's what I was originally intended to do, until I found out I wanted to go for Econ or Business.
Think of it this way, pick whatever you're passionate about right now. 4 years down the line, you definitely won't know what you're going to be majoring in for sure.

Do one of those online "What am I suited for" tests.

Pick something useful that you know you'll enjoy. Most people will change their minds about their majors once they get to college anyway, so it doesn't really matter that much what you pick now unless you're applying to an impacted program.

Recreational drug use = biochem or chem, loafing = psychology.

Do Botany.

Do business and learn the dark art of dealers.

Philosophy?

I mean, if you're going to excel in drugs and loafing, you're probably going to have a lot of time to think.

Become a massage therapist. Ger certified in a jiffy, and then you get to touch people all day. Kekekekeke.