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Nowai.

Written by Mipsacri on May 14, 2009
Sorry, I haven't posted a blog in forever.
I'll tell you what's happened if you promise not to tell anybody!

Promise? Okay.

Well, my husband is unhappy with our relationship. He wants to go. I was much more broken up about this when he told me a few weeks ago, but I've run out of tears to cry. At the time, this hit me like a truck, because I knew he was a bit unhappy, but I didn't know it was with us, I thought it was with work or something else.

He says we got married too soon, which is pretty likely, because he was leaving for the air force and we got married 7 months after we met, and that we don't talk like we used to.

Does it seem selfish that I've already gone into recovery mode and am trying to either fix it or figure out what I'm going to do next? We went to the couples counseling, and basically I want more physical affection, and he wants more intellectual affection. As the therapist said rather bluntly, I'm boring to him.

So he suggested this week, before our next meeting on Monday, I'm supposed to do things that make me happy. Find lots of hobbies! But really, what is there to do? I'm used to cleaning, going to class, and that's it. I don't have a car, so I can't exactly do things on my own, and I don't have any money, so I can't just go to do whatever I want. Being a grownup is the pits. Don't do it! D:

What hobbies did I have before I met Mike? Hmm, trolling the internet, watching anime, drawing and playing video games. I feel like a nerd! I think that it was different because we weren't living together then, and we weren't together constantly like we are now. People are alot more interesting from the outside looking in.

But, if I do find hobbies, the therapist said, then I'll either become interesting again, or I'm better off without him. But that, to me, is an insanely scary feeling. It's scary, but somehow true, that it's good it happened now, just two years into our marriage, then ten years down the road, when we have two kids, a house and debt together. It's scary that my dreams of marriage have forever been shattered. I was always taught that when you're married, you're together for life, through good and bad, and it's really really scary that Mike doesn't think that way, and that the therapist doesn't think that way. What is life coming to these days when marriage is just a temporary 'let's-see-how-it-goes' type of thing?

Bullshit, I say. But, Mike was raised differently than I was, he's got a former alcoholic for a father, who divorced his pot-head mother when he was just 7, and he just got back into his life about a year ago. I was raised with a very solid family, my parents have been married for about 25 years, and I have five other siblings who I am very close to. I was the first married, so I have a lot riding on me.

The councilor told him that he should try to meet me halfway, and I don't know if he's been trying or not. There's still no kisses, no hugs, which makes me very sad. And I apologize if this is too much info, but there has been nothing in the bedroom for.. about two months? And I have tried! Although it may not seem like it online, I am a ridiculously happy person. Everything makes me happy, the sun outside, a warm kitten, a nice sandwich, finding out that I still have a piece of cheesecake left in the fridge. Maybe it's because of that, maybe I'm not complex enough for Mike.

Another thing that bothers me, is this mimics many years ago, when I was simply a teenager dating online. I know it sounds silly, but I was fifteen, dating this kid over the internet named Reilley. We had been dating since I was 13, and one day, he just said that he was growing to a higher intellectual level than me, and he didn't feel I was growing with him, so he had to end it. He was actually the guy who taught me to type properly and making it become second nature, and I didn't hear from him again till I was 17. It made me more upset than when we broke up, because when we broke up, he was going to graduate in one more year from high school and go straight into an prestigious college, but when he came back, he spoke only in chat-speak and I asked him why he didn't type properly anymore, and he said he didn't feel the need to. That destroyed me.

Irregardless, I think Mikuru has checked out of the relationship, and I know he's just going to counseling for me, because I wanna salvage the relationship. Is that selfish? He even said, "If this was a boyfriend/girlfriend situation, I would've already left." Maybe I should just let him go. But I love him so much, but I just want him to be happy. Confusing, it is.
But, on the flip side, I feel betrayed, because I feel like he's sticking around, kind've just waiting for permission to go, just so he can make it more of a mutual break-up in his mind when he retells the story to his friends, instead of him flat-out dumping me. I hate this. I don't know what to do! Plus, he's sending mixed messages, like he says I'm such a good woman though, and I'm not mean to him, and we never fight. He mentioned this to the councilor because most of his ex-girlfriends are psycho bitches.

What to do, I want Mike to stay with me because I am a selfish person! I can't imagine dating ever again, nor would I want to imagine him dating again. He says we'll still be close friends if we do break-up, but I know it doesn't work that way with me, even if he's different. I am not a jealous person until I can't have him anymore. When we had a solid relationship, he could say, "That girl is cute, yeah?" And I would be like "Totally!" but if we were just friends, I'd probably slap him if he asked that. I'd have to never speak to him again, and that's that, unfortunately.

I apologize for rambling, and I'll probably update this as I think and stew some more.

This isn't supposed to happen to me!!1!one!!

~Mip

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Mipsacri

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May 14, 2009
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Thu May 14, 2009 06:01 PM +

Mip, I think I know what you need...

My dad owns a TV Show that talks about exactly what you just said in your Blog. They talk about marriage, how to deal with it, and how to improve on it. I urge you to take a look at it, maybe it'll help you with Mike?

If you're interested, take a look at it here. It's a great show.

If you don't want to look at it, well, good luck with your marriage. I hope that whatever happens it will be for the better.

 
 
Thu May 14, 2009 07:17 PM +

Holy waka, your Dad owns a TV SHOW? O__O;

Dang.

Anyway. That happens all the time, sorry to be blunt, but divorce rates are soaring with these days.

And I'm surprised that you can't get things going in the bedroom, because it's usually the other way around. Try finding oppurtunities to do things with him, perhaps try something simple, go out, have a picnic, go to the beach.

Or you could try something special and random... if he doesn't cheer up, maybe there are other troubles, and he's shifting the blame onto you. Don't pry him open, but try to question him from time to time about work, what he's doing, etc.

I'm not sure what the counselor means by intellectual affection, but perhaps compliment him on his work once in a while. If you guys try playing a game together, or a MMORPG, try to compliment how his skills are. Flattery usually gets you everywhere, until you go overboard anyway.

That's it from me, I think you can try BB dad's show. XD

 
 
Thu May 14, 2009 07:20 PM +

The problem with marriage nowadays is that everyone expects romantic love and mutual interest to last forever. Which (not to offend anyone) is completely stupid and unrealistic. And unfortunately the idea is so culturally embedded that there isn't much we can do about it. It's the reason divorce rates are so ridiculously high. Thrill marriage and unrealistic expectations are the culprits. We need to stop looking for happily ever afters and start looking for true companionship.

Yes, you are being selfish, but it's only natural. If you still love him but he's drifting away, of course you are going to try and bring back his interest and save the relationship. But you would feel much better in the long run-- and so would he-- if you let him go for the time being. As the great Allison Willcocks said, if you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was. We do not possess anything in this world, least of all other people. We only imagine that we do. Our friends, our lovers, our spouses, even our children are not ours; they belong only to themselves. Possessive and controlling friendships and relationships can be as harmful as neglect.

From the sounds of it, finding a hobby would definitely help you. There is something out there, maybe you just haven't found it yet. Take another look at your interests and just try some different things. At first it may feel like you're just diverting yourself from the current mental stress, but after you really find something you enjoy and do it often, it's a totally different feeling.

You should be happy that he is trying to end the relationship on your terms instead of his. He understands how much it is going to hurt you, so he's just waiting for you to be mentally prepared.

You can't imagine ever dating again right now, but time changes everything. There are hundreds, possibly thousands of people in the world who each of us are compatible with, we just don't get to meet them all, or we're too distracted by other things to see them. So you say that you can't imagine dating ever again right now, but trust me, that will change.

Whatever you do, don't chain him down if he wants to leave. You don't own him. Let him go.

 
 
Thu May 14, 2009 08:15 PM +

Maybe y'all should hit up one of those couple spas.

I know I could go for a massage right now. :3

 
 
Thu May 14, 2009 08:17 PM +

But, I'm broke. And he doesn't like doing things outside very much, because his job from 7am to 3:30 pm everyday is outside.

But you guys are probably right about letting him go. It's just really hard to do it when you're there. When I look from the outside, I get it, but it's so hard from here.
Annnnd, I'll check out your suggestion BB. Thanks for all the help guys. @__@

~Mip

 
 
Thu May 14, 2009 08:23 PM +

Well, I guess there's only one thing left to do.

Make a homemade one.

It's affordable, and romantic at the same time!

Just get your spa recipes and make the stuff for you and Mike.

Then, dim the lights, soak your feet. (etc..)

Have a nice relaxing spa-like day while playing 2-player minimum video games.

Here; it's a site my mom uses to make stuff.

Hope it works.

 
 
Thu May 14, 2009 08:27 PM +

David said: Holy waka, your Dad owns a TV SHOW? O__O;

2, actually. Driving Television and Marriage Uncensored with David & Cristie. (I work for MU, my bro works for DTV)

Mipsacri said: Annnnd, I'll check out your suggestion BB. Thanks for all the help guys. @__@

No prob :) If none of the episodes help you, you can ask a question and it will be either addressed in the show, or they will E-Mail it back to you.

 
 
Thu May 14, 2009 09:34 PM +

Yea, it's definitely hard to think about, let alone do, in the here and now. But you'll get through it one way or another and be able to look back on it ;D

 
 
Thu May 14, 2009 09:37 PM +

I wish this turns out for the better...

Whatever that may be.

 
 
Thu May 14, 2009 11:07 PM +

Blackboy0 said:
David said: Holy waka, your Dad owns a TV SHOW? O__O;

2, actually. Driving Television and Marriage Uncensored with David & Cristie. (I work for MU, my bro works for DTV)

Mipsacri said: Annnnd, I'll check out your suggestion BB. Thanks for all the help guys. @__@

No prob :) If none of the episodes help you, you can ask a question and it will be either addressed in the show, or they will E-Mail it back to you.


Is your dad the host? :D

EDIT: 160 million viewers? o.O You guys aren't rich?

 
 
Thu May 14, 2009 11:34 PM +

No, my dad is the Executive Producer. I'm cameraman, head audio, and stage manager. Dave, who is a good friend of mine, is the host with Christie.

And yes, 160 million viewers. We are on PBS and go across Canada and I believe we're taking over a bit of the United States. We are "rich" :P My dad bought an Audi R8 for fun, and has the license plate of "888", which is a REALLY lucky number ;)

 
 
Thu May 14, 2009 11:41 PM +

Cereal, BB?

Pics or it didn't happen.
Specifically a pic of you, on set or in front of said Audi R8, holding up a sign that says "Mip is the best."

~Mip

 
 
Thu May 14, 2009 11:43 PM +

Mipsacri said: Cereal, BB?

Pics or it didn't happen.
Specifically a pic of you, on set or in front of said Audi R8, holding up a sign that says "Mip is the best."

~Mip


Side Note: "Nass is the best" works too.

 
 
Thu May 14, 2009 11:46 PM +

Alright, give me a couple minutes.

 
 
Thu May 14, 2009 11:56 PM +

SERIOUSLY? add me! ME!

 

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