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Turrets as the Solution to Every Problem

Written by DaMunky89 on April 2, 2009
So, I know Pirkid basically owns the Ero category, has anybody claimed Rants yet? I'm thinking of making this a bi-weekly thing if it's well received. I'm a complainer by inclination, and alot of my friends and family in real life enjoy my snarky sense of humor (when it isn't aimed at them, anyway) so I've decided to put some of it down in words. Why not share it with you guys too? We'll be starting with a good one, so hopefully I can attract some regular readers early on.

Those of you who live in the USA know an important contemporary issue that politically minded adults sometimes whine about is illegal immigration. "Oh no, they're coming in and not paying taxes, blah blah blah Social Security blah." That sort of thing. I'm not here to talk about the ethics of the situation, but to ask, why is it such a problem? Regardless of whether it's right or not, our government wants to halt illegal immigration.

C'mon guys, this is easy. Right now we have cowboys and chain link fences. All we need to do is build a sturdy wall with heatseeking rocket launcher turrets every hundred feet or so. Would that get expensive? No, actually. The feds already spend plenty of money on all sorts of stupid garbage, and here's the thing, with this in place you could just unman all the borders, and cut budgets alloted for finding and deporting those illegals who'd have otherwise gotten in. The biggest expense is rockets, and really, you only need to fire an automated heatseeking rocket launcher turret once before people stop going near it.

For those of you who somehow got in here without reading the title, that's what this blog is all about. My proposal is this: I believe you can solve any problem, any problem at all, given sufficient time/money/technology, with the right sort of turret. By turret, I'm referring to a typically stationary self firing gun or cannon. As opposed to writing up new scenarios from scratch, I'll pull this great chat log of conversation I've previously had already:

My online friend Charlemange is talking about grinding his trade skill in World of Warcraft, fishing. Basically, he needs to catch a freaking lot of fish. Typically, you have to cast a line and wait about 22 seconds per fish. It takes forever. I tell him to use my solution instead.
Charlemange: 351 fishing
DaMunky89: You need a fish launching turret.
Charlemange: That actually wouldn't help me in the least.
DaMunky89: Yeah. The fish would be right there.
DaMunky89: Then you could just snap the line and hook them before they hit the water. *lol*
DaMunky89: Technically it'd still be a catch.
DaMunky89: Just no ~22 second wait.
DaMunky89: =D
DaMunky89: It'd be a device that sits under the water, sucks up fish, and then shoots them into the air above the surface of the water.
DaMunky89: ^_^
Charlemange: <_<
DaMunky89: YEAH THAT'S RIGHT FISH TURRET.
Charlemange: I don't think that would count.
DaMunky89: Would too.
DaMunky89: The fishturret would be an item that adds 1000 to fishing.
Charlemange: To be honest, leveling fishing is on the back-burner now.
DaMunky89: :<
DaMunky89: But but but fishturret...
Charlemange: It's all about farming the fish so that I can make the feasts when I can afford them, which means that's really all about being able to afford them in the first place.
DaMunky89: Okay. So instead of having fishturret shoot fish up in the air for catching, have it shoot them on shore and land next to your campfire. =D
Charlemange: Still doesn't help with the cooking awards for the feasts.
DaMunky89: What are those again?
DaMunky89: I need to better understand your problem so I can apply a turret to solving it. ^_^
Charlemange: Awarded for each of the daily quests completed.
Charlemange: Obviously you can only do one per day.
DaMunky89: Okay. So you have a turret that fires amnesia inducing nerve gas.
DaMunky89: Mount it next to the guy giving out your daily.
DaMunky89: Do the quest, nervegas shoots him.
DaMunky89: ^_^
Charlemange: It wouldn't work on a computer program.
DaMunky89: If it were programmed into the game as an amnesia-turret it would! xP
Charlemange: Neh
Charlemange: NPCs are actually immune to that shit
DaMunky89: Psh.
DaMunky89: If you had a turret with omnidirectional legs and AI pathfinding based on a GPS uplink, it could navigate to Blizzard headquarters and then threaten to shoot employees with a rocket launcher if the number of dailyies allowed per day were not increased.
DaMunky89: xD
Charlemange: ///
Charlemange: ...*
Charlemange: That would render the awards virtually inconsequential, and kill one of the achievements linked to the Chef title
DaMunky89: Well then, you don't want the number of dailyies increased.
DaMunky89: You don't want your 'problem' solved.
DaMunky89: It therefore isn't a problem, and you're just bitching. ^_^
DaMunky89: Turrets can fix bitching too, incidentally. Just mount one that threatens to shoot anybody who bitches with a rocket launcher.
DaMunky89: Incidentally, alot of my turret related solutions culminate in threatening to shoot somebody with a rocket launcher. xD

But anyway, you get the idea. Now, guys, it's your turn. I challenge you to post a problem that I can't fix with a turret. And I will foil you. >:3 So hey, if this entertained you in any way, click the 'like' button! And tell a friend maybe. xP
-Zack

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DaMunky89

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April 2, 2009
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Comments

 
Thu Apr 02, 2009 01:45 AM +

-points out- Illegal immigration is benefiting the overall economy of the US economy, regardless of how you look at it. They take the jobs no sane educated American would do.

Also:

Blog said: Wold that get expensive?

Typo.

And, there are many things that you can't fix with a turret. For example, cracking open a chicken egg without ruining it's contents in the process.

 
 
Thu Apr 02, 2009 02:04 AM +

Here's one. Use a fish turret in a way so skinning a bear shouldn't aggro every bears in a 40 yard radius.

 
 
Thu Apr 02, 2009 02:08 AM +

What about a turret turret..? :O

 
 
Thu Apr 02, 2009 03:00 AM +

@David: I actually don't favor shutting out the immigrants, illegal or otherwise. I'm just sayin'. *lol* Also thanks, typo fixed. To open an egg without ruining the contents, have a laser cutting turret precisely controlled by an attached computer slice the shell exactly in half, with a controlled enough beam soas not to heat or disturb the internals. Part of the turret's base would hold the egg by either end rotate it lengthwise to aid in this practice.

@Arladerus: I don't play WoW much, but now that you mention it that would be useful. ^_^

@Ganzicus: How do you think I'm distributing all these high tech turrets in the first place?

 
 
Thu Apr 02, 2009 04:02 AM +

What about global warming?

 
 
Thu Apr 02, 2009 04:02 AM +

ROFL.

You are my new role model. XD

 
 
Thu Apr 02, 2009 04:07 AM +

My answer to your challenge... is the challenge itself. Use a turret to find a problem you can't fix with a turret.

How are you gonna do that, huh? :D

 
 
Thu Apr 02, 2009 04:25 AM +

I completely agree with this idea.

I goes with the sensual state that ANYTHING can be made a projectile for the turret, and the turret can be infinitely strong, completely flexible, and have no mass. :D

 
 
Thu Apr 02, 2009 06:17 AM +

@Zhlink: The boring way is to create turrets that produce new ozone by irradiating oxygen with ultraviolet light and then releasing it into the atmosphere. The interesting way is to mount rocket launcher turrets outside every house, and then have them fire at any homes that produce too large a CO2 footprint. =D

@Annona: In our own plane of existence, all things are solvable by turrets, so to find a problem that can't be fixed with a turret you must exit to an alternate plane where the laws of physics are significantly different. The most feasible way of doing this is to exploit the warping of space found in the field around a black hole. Of course, you can't easily escape a black hole, so instead of entering it unaided you'd come equipped with a turret capable of launching a small passenger pod fueled by negative mass propulsion. By traveling close to the crush point and then exiting in a different direction from whence you entered, one can theoretically travel unfathomable distances beyond the scope of the known universe.

I mean, that or we could just tack a rocket launcher onto an Improbability Drive.

@Pirkid: Yes, that's it exactly! The turret can be simply as strong as you need it to be. But however, for the sake feasibility, hilarity, and cost effectiveness, part of the point is to use turrets to find the bluntest and most simplistic solution available. Ideally involving threatening to shoot somebody with a rocket launcher.

 
 
Thu Apr 02, 2009 08:02 AM +

I hate physics. XD

 
 
Thu Apr 02, 2009 10:41 AM +

I assume by turrets you mean Sentry Turrets, as in unmanned stand alone units. This alone is incredibly hard to produce and have work effectively as it in essence it requires too much effort to create a 'thinking' weapon which can decide by itself. Also, the question of limited ammunition comes into account.

 
 
Thu Apr 02, 2009 12:09 PM +

And how do you have the technology to do your conversion of whatever?

 
 
Thu Apr 02, 2009 03:30 PM +

Munky, the answer to your challenge is simple.

What if both sides have turrets? Who's the winner? And if both take out each other, do turrets *really* solve every problem? =P

 
 
Thu Apr 02, 2009 08:42 PM +

@Axiom:

DaMunky89 said: By turret, I'm referring to a typically stationary self firing gun or cannon.

Yes, what I meant, as stated earlier, is in effect a sentry turret. As for concerns about turret AI, this is a trivial matter. It doesn't have to be smart, just scary. The turret will simply scan an area, and activate when it sees movement. This is much like the way a security camera works, but instead of recording the moment, the turret would blow it up. I mean, obviously you'd have to be able to set the sensitivity level so it's not shooting animals and leaves all the time, but in high security areas where you can't risk anything getting by at all, you'd just ensure no animals/leaves/etc can get in to begin with. Before you ask, the way one would avoid being shot by their own turret is carrying a transmitter that signals them as friendly. I've already addressed the concern of ammunition:
DaMunky89 said: and really, you only need to fire an automated heatseeking rocket launcher turret once before people stop going near it.

Yes, this only applies to certain types of turrets, and certain situations, but all the best turret solutions involve threatening something with a rocket launcher anyway. If need be, one could provide a movable base and somewhat more advanced AI for gathering appropriate projectiles, such as picking up stones or returning to a reload station.

@Zhlink:
Please refer back to my initial proposal.
DaMunky89 said: I believe you can solve any problem, any problem at all, given sufficient time/money/technology, with the right sort of turret.


@Imppala:
In the situation you pose, Imppala, the solution is to "get stronger turrets to kill the other side". Just because only one side is likely able to implement the solution doesn't make it any less valid. Also, if both sides kill each other, the turrets have simply solved the conflicting problems of both sides simultaneously. Incidentally, they've also proved turrets are smarter than humans. *lol*

 
 
Thu Apr 02, 2009 08:47 PM +

Munky, the polar caps have melted and the oceans have claimed all the land on Earth. What should the turret do?

 

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