-for thou shalt receive none. Because what do you expect me to do on the internet? Answer honestly?

Of course I lie like hell on the internet. I do the same in real life. Of course I'm a compulsive asshole over the internet. I'm exactly the same in real life. Of course I'm a hypocrite and a cheat and a total bastard - but at least I'm the same in real life.

Yes, the glorious refuge of the internet, where people can either live out a dream or go with the age-old and totally unsatisfactory maxim of 'be yourself', because who wants to be themselves when they can be someone they like better. Unless you're happy with yourself. And welcome to the pandemic: nobody's happy with who they are any more. Content, maybe. But how hard is it to be happy when you 'know' people who pretend they have what you don't?

Tweak my age. Tweak my style. Say I like this band. Say I like this book. Easy enough to hold a discussion when Wiki's at my fingertips and dialogue isn't the rapidfire of real life; minutes between replies, hours even, time enough to formulate some response that makes me look witty or cultured or fashionable. Yeah, not a big reinvention. Just a little lying, but harmless lying. Tell a joke and nobody gets hurt. Make new friends! Pity they like me for who I'm not. Yes, I'm a different person online - is that what you want to hear me confess?

Actually, it's not true. Some things stay the same. I'm one of those unfortunates who can't be two-faced to save his ass. I'm blunt. Always have been. If I think your picture is bad/story is poor/behaviour is hilarious, and if you ask me about it, I will tell you exactly what I think. That or ignore you. I'm an asshole. Which segues back into the previous point, but also my tendency to relentlessly mock people who I think deserve it. Most of the time they don't. Hence, asshole.

I'm vindictive and, for a guy, pretty damn bitchy. I get just as pissed off at people online as I do in real life, though probably less so, because I can't see their face and dwell upon how much it annoys me. I stick up for my friends, except when it's between friends, when I just play them off each other. I'm a greedy ass. An attention whore. A pervert. I couldn't change these things if I tried.

Things that are different: I am nicer on the internet than I am in real life. (Indescane's actually an acid-spewing basilisk; this is the truth.) Because I actually think about what I type, rather than the instant-delivery smartassery than I often give in real life. My mouth and brain haven't been connected in just over three years. And, when I think about it, that's really it. My tendency to hold conversations about things I know very little to nothing about? Same as in real life. Foul mouth? Same as in real life. Stupidly bombastic? Same as in real life.

But on the internet it's a lot harder to change who you are than what you are. Suddenly, I'm a 13-year-old Malaysian boy talking to a 17-year-old from England (or is she? Or is she even a she? Am I going to be the new face of Pedobear all of a sudden) or maybe I'm 19 and female and studying in Paris.

I liked pretending to be someone I wasn't. Especially a G.I.R.L . Dudes' reactions are priceless. I've almost kicked the habit now, but sometimes it's still fun to pretend to be older, or younger, or female, just because nobody can prove me wrong if I act the part well enough. Acting the part is a total challenge but that's part of the thrill. Admit it: who among you have done this? Who among you has pretended to be something else just because you wanted to see if you could? Rhetorical question; I'm not expecting you to answer, though I salute anybody who does.

Admittedly I've never pretended online to be someone I really, really wanted to be. I save that for my writing. There's a reason why they call it escapist fiction.

It's all about cheap thrills. I've never pretended to be someone else just to gain friends, though; I'm not that much of a manipulative bastard. I just play through the charade and see where it gets me, and after a while I'm going to have to let someone down, because I can't keep on pretending my name is Denise forever. Eventually it loses its fun. Mainly because it is a pain in the arse when they start asking you for pictures.

Do I lie when I'm online? About just as much as I lie in real life.