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QotW - Regret and remorse

Tagged as: qotw, regret, remorse, i, are, sad.

Written by Lithium on March 19, 2011
Seeing as I suggested this topic, I guess I should have something to talk about, huh? unfortunately, a lot of what I have to say is a tad hypocritical, and doesn't really count as regret. Is that possible? To regret something, but still be happy that it happened? Seems kind of contradicting to me. Oh well.

The have two things I regret the most.
One is disconnecting from the friends I had in middle school. When I was in the eighth grade, we all promised that we would stay in touch, and always find time to hang out when we got the chance, even though we were off to different schools and such. In the ninth grade, I held on to a group of friends from middle school, two of which I considered to be my best friends. It later became evident that they weren't really true friends, as they left me behind in the lonely hallways to fend for myself. I tried to get back in to the group, and they would let me hang out with them during lunch time, but they would pay no attention to me.
Eventually I just stopped going to their table for a couple of months, and they didn't even notice I was gone. This, along with the other thing I regret most (I'll talk about that later) threw me in to a maelstrom of depression, because other than my close friends at church, I had no one at school or outside of school to hang out with, and would find myself wandering the halls by myself, looking for friendly faces. I found none, until I found a safe haven of friendly people (who coincidentally were all A students) to hang out with until the end of the year, where I faced the most prolonged rejection ever. I asked her in June, she replied in July. 'nuff said.
Summer was just as painful, because I had no one to hang out with, because the people I lingered with at the end of the year had their own plans, and half of my church friends went on vacation. this left me to my own devices, and if you know me, you know that it's never a good thing for that to happen. I remained depressed for the entirety of summer until I hit a wicked fever in August, causing me to lose a good 15 pounds. It was fucking terrible, and I damn near died with a fever of 47.2 degrees. Afterwards though, I was quite happy with the weight loss. During the fever though, I did a lot of thinking (as much as extra strength Tylenol allows you to, anyway), and I realized that I didn't need anybody to help get me by. I can do things on my own, fuck the rest of the world.
Eventually, that state of mind stabilized after about a week of a malicious attitude. I was trying to take a rage nap, and opened my window because it was a bit warm. Then I realized it was raining, and then I just lay there with my eyes closed, and listened to the rain. After about a half an hour, I felt a ridiculous amount of peace, and I just wasn't angry, or sad anymore. I wasn't happy either, but this was a step up from punching walls and dragon-kicking babies.
Later, I realized that all this shit was for the good, and I became who I am now. I rarely get mad or sad anymore. I do at times feel lonely though, but that's something that can't be helped. In the process of this, I realized that it was all for the better, because I rid myself of inconsiderate motherfuckers, and I became independent. Although I sometimes regret leaving the group because of how lonely I am at school, I can't help but think that it was good. Now that I'm more stable, maybe I can look toward the future instead of regretting what can't be changed.

Now that I look back on the second thing I regret the most, I realize that I would be a huge dick to talk about it, so I won't. I'll just say that sometimes I say things that I don't mean for the good of other people, even if it seems selfish of me.

So yeah, that's my story. Generic teenager story, eh? anyway, I'm off to my grandma's condo now, so I guess I'll catch you guys later.


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March 19, 2011
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