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Dungeons and Dragons

Written by FunnyFroggy on March 1, 2010
WARNING: LONG (like mah dragon)

From prehistoric times to the empire of Rome, from the 20th century to 3000 A.D., we have stories of all kinds. All YOU have to do is ask, and ye shall receive!
Your satisfaction, is our pleasure...

Today, you will journey to the Middle Ages, where friars and bards danced gaily to the beat of GAY music, where knights jousted for bitches, and DRAGONS ate them. This is the story of young Lord Peanuhs. He had accidentally heard his older brother Testies talk about "doing it", and was feverishly shooed away. When he asked about what Testies was talking about, his brother just told him to ask his father, King Bahlsak. And that he did.



King Bahlsak was peacefully reclined on his throne, eyes closed, and mouth open, enjoying a wonderful time with Queen Harymuff. He looked mighty ridiculous with his tongue out, and that awkward position he was in. He put a hand up, cupping Harymuff's round 'crystal globes'. Bahlsak was so happy today. Today, he was going to make another child, and boy he'll be damned if it's another tit-less faggot. Just as he was about to expel his water of Life, the throne room doors burst open and a small figure sped towards his father. Surprised, Bahlsak lost his groove, and his royal scepter slipped out and he expelled over Harymuff's chest.

"Daddy, daddy!" cried Peanuhs. "I ha-" Peanuhs cut himself short when he saw his mother riding his father. "M-Mom? Dad? What're you doing?" inquired Peanuhs, curiously.
"Damn it, Peapea (his nickname)! How many times have I told you not to randomly burst into the throne room!" shouted Bahlsak angrily.
"I-I'm sorry, Dad, but I had an urgent question...but now I have another one," said Peanuhs, eyes wide open. "W-what are you guys doing?" asked Peanuhs eagerly again.

Harymuff looked at Bahlsak with wide eyes.

"Honey, we can't tell him yet. He's not ready. He's only twelve years old," whispered Harymuff.
"Well what the hell do we tell him though?" asked Bahlsak frantically.
"Well...tell him, but like...you know make it into a fairytale. And then when he's older you can explain it to him better. Now I'm going to wash up. We'll try again tonight. Bye sweetie" said Queen Harymuff as she left, covering her sticky chest.

King Bahlsak pondered this for a moment, and then he had the perfect idea. "Okay, Peapea. I'll tell you, in a story. You like stories, so sit tight and listen up!"
Peanuhs nodded vigorously and planted himself in front of Bahlsak. King Bahlsak tried to put his scepter down, but it kept coming back up, so he just ignored it and began the storyexplanation.

~~

One beautiful morning, a little armless baby dragon was happily bouncing in the sun. We'll call him 'Cawhk'. His (for the sake of this story, Cawhk will be referred to as a 'he') two, rather large roundish legs were protected by the thin shell of his egg. He was born into a family of V-Class entertainers, where the dragons would blow their white flame for entertainment of others. They were looked down upon by the Purifiers, because they carried around with them meaty heavy circles. The Purifiers needed no heavy circles, as they were dragons that had found traversed through the Mystical Forests guarding the Dungeons and purified them and no longer needed to be entertainers.

Sulking, he cried as he watched other little dragons, bouncing happily with their friends, and sharing stories with each other. Many entertainer class dragons were lonely. Cawhk hung his head in sadness, when out of the corner of his eye, something glistened. He turned and looked in the direction of where he had thought it came from and saw the most beautiful pink dungeon ever. It's entrance was shut, but it was glistening from the morning dew. Cawhk got excited, as he had never seen a dungeon before. He decided he wanted to explore the dungeon.

Carefully, he inched towards the dungeon, carefully taking in its aroma. When he got to a mere inches from the dungeon, his eyes bulged. This was the magical Pink Dungeon of Life he had heard the other dragons talk about. Nobody really knows what this one did, as it had a tough shield protecting the inner catacombs, after the entrance had been breached. There were only three of it's kind, and each felt different. One was the Pink dungeon of Life, which was this one, another was the Pink Dungeon of the Pink Tentacle Monster, which contained a pink monster inside it, and another was the Pink Dungeon of Contraction, which will NOT let you go if you entered it, so you had to purify it, or else slowly be killed.

This was the very best day of his life. And he was going to conquer and purify it. He concentrated his energy, and slowly but surely he felt himself growing taller, and taller. His body felt more rigid, and the thin shell membrane tightened around his legs.

He looked at the dungeon carefully, and slowly pressed his face to the entrance of the dungeon. It's warm, sticky doors greeted him, and the aroma wafted into his nostrils. He shuddered at the thought of entering such a magical destination, and then surged forward, feeling the doors slide against his body. He slowly inched forward, enjoying the sights of the caverns, it's damp magical liquids dripping from the ceiling. Suddenly, he hit something soft. Had he reached the end? Peering carefully into the darkness, Cawhk realized there was a very thin curtain in front of him

Ah, this must be the Hyman's Seal. (Hyman was the first dragon to find the Pink Dungeon of Life, and after experiencing the might of the Pink Dungeon, sealed it so nobody would suffer from the possessive power of the Pink Dungeon. The other Pink Dungeons were not as dangerous and was not sealed.)

He was a very adamant dragon, so he wouldn't give up this easy. Slowly backing out, Cawhk, set his sights on the seal. When he felt he had backed out enough, he thrusted forward with stunning speed. BAM! The seal never stood a chance, as he broke right through it, creating a nice 'popping' sound. The sound waves echoed throughout the dungeon, and then a small wave of red splashed towards him. He was now Marked. If he left now, everyone would know he attempted to enter the Pink Dungeon of Life.

There was no turning back now. Forwards he marched, and marched. The corridors of the dungeons were getting smaller and he could feel its damp walls sliding against his body. It wasn't very hard to move forward, as the walls were coated with some sort of weird slimy substance that allowed him to slide easily between them. Somehow, when he moved, the walls were transmitting some sort of weird signals into his brain, causing it to send endorphins through his body. It felt good, so he kept going.

Suddenly, Cawhk could move no more. He tried and tried, but to no avail. He was stuck. His legs could not get inside the dungeon. No! This couldn't be it! He was so close! He could see the end, which curved sharply upwards. There. He needed to purify that. But he couldn't move any further! Cawhk didn't want to fail. He had gotten so far, and now was failure imminent? No. Cawhk had a plan.

Being the smart dragon he was, he RAGED, and steadied himself. It's gonna be a stretch, but it's possible. He backed out, past the gooey tight walls, past the remnants of the seal, until he was almost completely outside. Then he charged forward, and when he reached near where he could move no more, he retreated again. He had found out that the when the walls sent the signals to his brain, he could muster more magical white fire. He repeated the process of backing out and charging back in many times. First slower, then gradually picking up speed.

Soon, he was moving along at a fast rhythm, and he was ready to purify the dungeon once and for all. With one last surged, he tried to get in as close as possible, and then with a big roar, he opened his mouth and spat out his magical white fire! The flames licked at the walls, leaving no spot untouched. Every inch of the dungeon was covered. He had done it. He, Cawhk, had purified the Pink Dungeon of Life. He didn't know what was going to happen next. Cawhk quickly left the dungeon, his mouth burnt somehow from his white fire. Joyfully, he took in the air of the outside, happy to be out of the musky dungeon, and felt like a new dragon. He was no longer V-Class.

Nine months later, a shiny dragon emerged from the entrance of the Pink Dungeon of Life.

~~

"And there you go, that's what your mother and I were doing," explained Bahlsak.
"Oh, so you were playing...Dungeons and Dragons?" asked Peanuhs.
"Yes. It's a very fun game. You should try it one day. But you have to tell me first! There's a lot of rules," said Bahlsak.
"Wow, sounds like fun! Thanks, Dad!" said Peanuhs as he happily skipped away.

THE END.

I didn't think this was very good. :/ Maybe it's because it's too long...? (like mah dragon)

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FunnyFroggy

March 1, 2010
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Comments

 
Mon Mar 01, 2010 09:07 AM +

Where's "How it really works"?

:(

 
 
Mon Mar 01, 2010 08:45 PM +

That was great.

 
 
Tue Mar 02, 2010 12:31 AM +

...that...was kinda awesome.
ignoring it's perverted underlying theme o-o

 
 
Tue Mar 02, 2010 01:38 AM +

Kind of want to get a bottle of bleach now.

 
 
Tue Mar 02, 2010 04:16 AM [Edited once ] +

Nass said: Where's "How it really works"?

:(


This sounds better. :o Plus, that's too long. (like mah dragon)

 
 
Tue Mar 02, 2010 04:47 AM +

Dragon? Naw. You have a tiny sea horse down there

 
 
Tue Mar 02, 2010 05:07 AM +

Stalker, looking at me nekkid!

lol nah, you must've been drunk, cause my dragon's is THE YELLOW PERIL! It's 3 inches...


....FROM THA GROUNDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!
Click^

lulz. :p

 
 
Wed Mar 03, 2010 03:11 AM +

tl;dr

 
 
Wed Mar 03, 2010 04:47 AM +

feg.

 
 
Thu Mar 04, 2010 10:35 PM +

awesome. Stephen Lynch OWNS d&d


 
 
Sun Mar 07, 2010 06:06 PM +

LMAO wow

 

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